Home Gender Bender My Horse and Me

My Horse and Me

Sim
Releases: 02.05.08
W! Games
Atari
ESRB: Everyone

My Horse and Me

WTF!

by 5PR0CK37

I'm beginning to regret agreeing to my position here at Chicks Dig Games. But, seeing as how this site's cause is a noble one, I won't remit my responsibilities. Ladies: You're welcome.

And why you ask, do I suffer from such ennui? Such disenchantment? Why, “Me and My Horse” that's why. Once again, I'm reviewing another straight to the checkout line, bargain shelf at Target video game for this generation's favorite whipping boy, the Wii. I promise that I will start reviewing for other consoles, including the PC, Gameboy Advance, DS, PSP and PS3. Really.

But I'm getting off track here. About the game. Starting off, we see yet another display of what happens when people don't make video games for players, but rather make games for parents who have no idea what's going on. The term for people who buy these games is, I think, Bamboozled. Yeah. That would just about sum it up. But then, maybe I am missing something, seeing as how I've never played an equestrian game before.

Lets start with the graphics. Two words: Sub par. Really now. This is 2008. Graphics shouldn't be this far behind. The character models are stiff, seemingly inanimate and lacking the sort of detail you have come to expect from buying a game in the past 3 years. The same repetitious set of movements over and over. There's really nothing special at all about this. The environment is equally boring and flat. There's just no attention paid to any detail here. I could have fucking animated this better using a 12 pack of crayons and a homemade flip-book. Sadness.

The sound too is a let down of epic proportions. Well, maybe not epic. I didn't have any hopes for this game going into it. The background music is dull and uninspired, and the voice acting. Jesus-fucking-Christ. Going through the training levels and having to listen to that woman go on and on... “Aw, too bad.” “Oops, you missed one!” Blah blah blah. I mean, there's nothing wrong with the voice per se, but it's on a sort of obnoxious loop as to which phrase is uttered. It's like one of those Fisher Price “See 'n' Say” toys we all had in the 80's. The cow goes “moo”. The voice actress goes “Good job!”

The game play is, surprisingly enough, the worst part of this jaunt into the world of competitive (haha) equestrian events. The controls are horrific. You are intended to operate the horse via the Wiimote and Nunchuck in tank like ways. Aiming one up, and one down to turn, pulling back on both to stop, and thrusting them both downward repeatedly to accelerate. Last time I checked, you were riding on a horse in this game, not some kind of fucking equine Panzer. This isn't Call of Duty. The game is basically summed up as you driving a horse along a path from start to end. There's nothing else there. You jump over obstacles I guess, but it does that for you. You simply run up to the bar, and the horse jumps. In case you were curious, you can name your horse, and play dress up. It's another part of the game that isn't really well fleshed out, nor is it necessary. But, if you wanted to know, I ride a black horse with a silver mane, and I named it Fuck Face.

The controls as mentioned operate like tank levers. And once again, the Wiimote's accelerometer sensitivity leaves a little something to be desired. You know, like precision. I like the Wiimote for games that it actually does well with. Like sports. You swing the controller, your player swings a bat/club/child held my its ankles. But I am loathe to accept it as a means to steer anything. I haven't played Mario Kart yet, and I haven't heard too much bad about it, but the notion of using the wheel peripheral terrifies me to the core of my being. No matter what I did to try to guide the damned horse through the poles and over jumps, I seemed to end up steering the poor thing into walls. I just couldn't get it to go where I wanted it to go. And violently shaking the controllers up and down to get moving made me feel like I was in the middle of some kind of seizure.

here's also a multiplayer option. Not that I know anything about that. I couldn't get my fiancée to agree to play with me after she watched me swear and foam at the mouth at the single player campaign. So, I'm sorry. Sorry I wasn't able to convince someone to play this shit game after watching me throw a fit trying to get Fuck Face to turn left.

There's really not a lot more that I can say about this game. Avoid it. It's like being pummeled in the groin with a sack of marbles. Marbles made of Hell itself.

My little 9 year old cousin seems to have no problem with this game... Could it be that MAYBE adults with adult sized reflexes are not meant to play it?

haha. MY condolances to Fuck Face.

I have heard many bad things from my friends about Mario Karts controls. I suggest you play that next.

#1 - FickityTwists - 06/09/2008 - 18:15

But...

But you see, Flickity, that would dispose the point of this man's position, seeing as Mario Kart Wii isn't aiming for the little girl demographic, they seem to be aiming more at fun for the family, whereas Sprock reviews games for girls.

#2 - Connor - 06/09/2008 - 19:09

Indeed, Connor. Anyone can read 100 reviews of GTA IV or Mario Kart Wii... But how many reviewers are willing to subject themselves to the horrors that are bargain bin girl games?

Yeah, not many.

I did get the hang of the controls enough to complete the game though. I just think they're an abomination, In fact, I am willing to say that the Wiimote is a horrible controller. It's simple, and some games seem to utilize it well (Looking at you, Super Mario Galaxy) but most that use the accelerometers as steering controls just fail miserably. The hull of the Titanic didn't fail as epically as the Wiimote.

I love my Wii, but they really need to get their shit together over at the big N. There's a reason that the D-pad and analogue stick have been around for 30+ years in video games. It's because they fucking work.

#3 - 5pr0ck37 - 06/10/2008 - 19:02

Response to Connor

I wasn't suggesting he review the game, but actually play mario Kart as a basis to compare the controls.

The wii remote seems to be the major fustrator for most players and the games they THINK will be enjoyable.

They are either over sensative or you damned near kill the thing to get it to turn. The controllers havent been the same for me when I play with my pals ( I am too broke to buy a wii myself). The one who just got the wii, her controllers are almost completely kaput and she just got the thing. ( It was me and her taking the thing out for its test drive), while another friend's are fine and he has had them for about 3 months or more now.

They really do need to find a different universal controller that works better than the wiimote.

#4 - FickityTwists - 06/14/2008 - 22:22

Played Mario Kart Wii the other day at a Best Buy. I'll say this... the Big N knows how to utilize their peripherals. The Wii-wheel works a shit-ton better than any of the other games I've played that use the tilt to steer.

I didn't put a lot of time into it, but it's pretty impressive comparatively.

#5 - 5pr0ck37 - 06/16/2008 - 15:19

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