Home Gender Bender Hannah Montana: Spotlight World Tour

Hannah Montana

Rhythm
Releases: 11.06.07
Avalanche Software
Disney Studios
ESRB: Everyone

Hannah Montana: Spotlight World Tour

by 5PR0CK37

Ok. So I know that there is a current thread on the Chicks Dig Games forums right now about the quality of Wii games available, and this is a shining example of what happens when you rush production on a sub-par game with a “polished turd” sort of concept.

I have very little knowledge of Hannah Montana, or Miley Cyrus for that matter. I know that her father is none other than the Achy-Breaky Heart, mullet sporting mouth breather, Billy Ray Cyrus. And that recently, Miley Cyrus has been lambasted by the press and overprotective moms everywhere about her topless Vanity Fair pictures (Dude, she's 15! Whiskey Tango Foxtrot).

From what I can gather, Miley Cyrus has a Disney show called Hannah Montana about a girl who leads a double life as typical high-schooler and pop superstar. Now, since I haven't ever seen the show, I am not going to say anything about it, aside from that the premise is pretty weak, even by Disney standards. But, there have been worse television series over the years. Alf, I'm looking at you.

But, all that aside, let's talk about why I am really here. The game. Hannah Montana: Spotlight World Tour for the Nintendo Wii. I've got to admit, I am having trouble thinking of a good way to even start this scathing review. I guess I would have to say that it's, at best, an affront to the intelligence of gamers everywhere. And at worst, it's a soul sucking foray into horrible pop music and monotony.

Graphics for the game remind me of end-era N64 games. I mean, you know... 8 years ago we would have been wowed by the lifelike 3d models and joint articulation. But it's 2008, or it was November of 2007 when the game was actually released. By today's standards, it sucks. There's a lot of clipping and slowdown involved. Everything in the game looks jagged and out of place in this day and age. If this were on the PSP, it would be barely passable.

The sound is pretty much what you would expect, I guess. The music is boring and non-threatening. It sounds a bit compressed as well. It's missing a lot of the highs and lows you would expect a game about music to have. The voice acting, too, is abysmal. I mean really. Miley doesn't even do her own f*$@ing voice overs in this game. Why not? Couldn't she be dragged away from her Vanity Fair soft-core porn shoot to read a couple lines of dialogue? Oddly enough, actress Emily Tyndall does the voice of Miley/Hannah. You may remember her as the girl Napoleon Dynamite asked to prom by drawing her portrait. I can't even make that up. The song selection seems to get worse with every track you unlock. This is teeny-bubblegum pop at its worst. I'd rather play a NKOTB or Backstreet Boys game than this.

The gameplay is another sore spot on this outing. Once again, we have a problem with the Wiimote and Nunchuck just not delivering the sort of control you've come to expect in video games. Sloppy and frustrating. It's a rhythm game akin to DDR or Samba de Amigo. At the bottom of the screen, you are greeted with a scrolling bar of commands in time to the music (sort of anyway). Blue and pink differentiate Wiimote (blue) and Nunchuck (pink) commands, and at times, that can get a little confusing. There are motions like up, down, left and right, as well as some twirling, air guitar, hand-clapping and waving. I think it had its heart in the right place with the idea, but it was just poorly executed and the sensitivity of the controllers accelerometers just doesn't work with it as well as I would have hoped.

The core of this game is really a two-parter. Obviously, there's the performance command matching game, and then there is the shopping portion. After you complete a song, you get little shopping bags that act as currency. Every city you travel to has a virtual treasure trove of clothing and accessory stores for you to go to and tart Miley up like a complete whore. Red leather hooker boots? Check. Leopard print tights? Check. Rhinestone crucifix halter top? Double check. Seriously, is this really what girls want in a video game?

I'm done reviewing this hunk of shit. This is an insult to gamers as much as the Cyrus family's drawl laden songs are a kick in the groin of good music over the world. You know, unless you have a mullet and a shotgun rack in the back of your pickup. In which case, go ahead and buy this game. Your bastard stepchildren will love it.

LMAO

Comedy at it's best....

God I hate teeny boppers and the music industry.

#1 - J Book - 05/18/2008 - 11:17

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