Home Gender Bender Bratz: The Movie (The Game)

Bratz: The Movie

Action Adventure
Releases: 09.25.07
THQ
THQ
ESRB: Everyone

Bratz: The Movie (The Game)

Um . . . the voice work is pretty good.

by 5PR0CK37

First, let me apologize for the length of time between my reviews. I would also like to express my regrets for this review in particular as it's going to be relatively short. I couldn't make myself play this game for more than a couple of hours, so I will give you the synopsis of what I was able to stomach.

Alright, here we go. To begin, I know very little about the world of the Bratz figurines. As far as I can tell, they're sort of like Barbie's bug-eyed lascivious neighbor. I know that there's no way that if I had a daughter that I would allow her to spend her precious allowance money on these dolls. I have a little sister, and I am thankful that by the time these were really taking hold, she was old enough to not ask for them for her birthday or Christmas.

So, in admitting that I don't know about the back story these characters have I may not have the best insight into this game, or the series of games that have been released. I didn't see the movie either. There are just some things I won't do for this website. Subjecting myself to 90 minutes of preteen animated crap is one of them. You're just going to have to deal with my perspective on this.

First, the good. And oddly enough, there is some good. The voice acting. Seriously. The voice work is actually pretty good. The voiceovers actually sound like teenagers. I know, it's a foreign concept for games to have voice acting that makes sense. And really, I was as shocked as anyone, maybe more.

So that was the good. Here's the bad, otherwise known as the rest of the game. The graphics suck. They aren't abysmal or anything, but you can tell that there wasn't a lot of heart or thought put into them. It all looks like poorly articulated plastic figures running around. Oh, wait... that's what it's supposed to look like. Well, whatever. It looks like ass. I don't care if it's supposed to look like this, it really shouldn't. There's no real animation or expression on the faces of the girls you play. There's a lot of pop-in, a lot of objects that impact your player in some strange ways, and flat shading. Bullshit.

The gameplay is also excruciatingly painful. The controls are loose and frustrating. The game is based around running errands for your friends who are too lazy to do things for themselves - apparently. And you do so on Rollerblades. Yeah, in-line skates. Nothing says outdated like the biggest hit of 1987-1995. Why not do everything on a Razor Scooter? At least is would be a little more recent, right? So you put on your skates (which takes about 4-6 seconds) and skate around delivering fruit smoothies, and picking up dog treats. Oh, did I mention that you have pets too? Yeah, well you do. And you teach them tricks...

You know what? I'm done here. There's really nothing else I can say here to make this game sound any worse than it really is. And I've tried. It's a horrible game based on an even more deplorable toy franchise aimed to making girls feel worse about themselves and potentially promote prostitution. That's right, I said that. Bratz dolls are toys for sluts in training. If you care about your little sister, daughter, niece, god-daughter or any other young, impressionable girl in your life, please don't buy them this game, the dolls or anything else from this line of products.

I can't even believe this shit is real.

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