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Gender Bender Action Girlz Racing
Action Girlz Racing
RacingReleases: 01.29.08
Metro3D
Data Design
ESRB: Comic Mischief
Action Girlz Racing
Oh Lord. Why are games like this even made? I mean seriously. This has to be some kind of fucking joke.
by 5PR0CK37 
Okay, here's how this is going to go. I've had a few to drink, which is honestly about the only way that this game didn't cause me to throw my controller across the room in frustration. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a difficult game. Like the first time playing through Resident Evil 4, and getting to Pueblo, only to have the chainsaw guy take your head off. Like 5 times before you were able to get it down to where you knew how to ration ammo, and time the shotgun blasting to survive it.
No, this is a different kind of frustrating. From the start, I knew I was in for a bad time out. Out of the gate, I was greeted to a loading screen that took about 35 seconds to get through. Really? Over a half a minute on this just to get to the title screen? Well, then the graphics ought to be stellar, right?
No, not so much. Really, it's mostly reminiscent of Wacky Races on the Dreamcast, but without all the charm. What this game is is a sexist, Mario Kart rip-off. The cars are carts. The characters are little bobble-head looking girls, and they are stereotypical to a fault. I'll be honest when I tell you that I didn't play long enough to open the extra players, but I'll tell you what I have available as a default. Latisha, the token African American girl with an afro, pink halter top, and gold chains. Bianca, the NASCAR girl in full racing garb, nothing special. Alex, the apparently militant lesbian with saggy, bra-less breasts, a bad choppy hairstyle, and a gruff look on her face, and Amber. Oh Amber. She's the little princess, clad in pink with blonde hair and a fucking tiara. That's right. Token black girl, racing enthusiast, lesbian and princess. Thanks guys, really.
Trudging right along past that, we're left with the graphics and game play. Last-gen doesn't really adequately describe the graphics. They're nestled somewhere between the Gamecube and the Dreamcast. While this isn't as bad as say, Diddy Kong Racing on the N64, it isn't good by any means. The graphics are choppy, the camera angle appears to be controlled by a walrus with a club foot. Never in the right place at the right time. You often find yourself stuck behind a wall for a couple of seconds unable to see your player at all. Then, the screen jerks way, and you are teleported a bit to a spot where you can see what's going on. It's an abrupt jerk though, and makes you wonder if you are just hitting a bad spot of clipping.
And yet they still make kart games.
The control is another thing to cause you pain and anguish. If there are any Wii developers out there reading this, we get it. The Wii-mote is a wonderful and novel approach to game control. The accelerometers are fantastic, and it's opened up all new ways to play. With that in mind, would you please stop fucking that up? This is another driving game on the Wii where you use the Wii-mote as a steering wheel, tilting it left and right to control the car's movement. And that's all fine and good, but there's no sense of control to it at all. You have to have nerves of steel, and steady hands to keep yourself from careening off into a wall. Sloppy steering, poor play mechanics and unintuitive use of specials plague this to death. In order to use your ìpick-upî you have to thrust the Wii-mot forward like you're pushing someone. Doing that while trying to steer a car that seems to have broken axles is maddening.
I guess what I am trying to say with this, is that this is another rushed to market game, hoping to snag some money near the checkout counter from an uninformed mom. My recommendation is to avoid this game like it was a diseased carcass rotting in the alleyway. If you want a racing game for the Wii, get Mario Kart: Double Dash, or hit up Mario Kart 64 on the Virtual Console. Double Dash is usually available for a little under 30$, which may be 10$ more than Action Girlz Racing, but is worth more than twice the price by comparison, and Mario Kart 64 is a steal at a mere ten bucks.
That's my two cents.
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Of course, I could tell you about 100 other obviously useless " girl" games that you should play, in order for my giggling to continue from now until you beg for mercy... But I am thinking kindness is in order because you are having to play the most rediculessly girly princess games imaginable. Game even I wont touch.
Cheers and thanks for the humor -up.